October 31st 1972: It starts. My first cry echoes round the white tiled maternity ward; my mother holds me to her breast and nurses me. For now she and I are one person and I rest in the blissful comfort of the id.
June 8th 1982: The teacher explains to the class that they are to treat me like I was a ghost and ignore me. This feeling of being invisible is upsetting but also strangely empowering.
December 18th 1981: I write notes on my bedroom wall to remind me. Don't go to school when you wake up in the morning; remember how bad it felt the day before.
April 26th 1984: My violent outbursts mean I have to see a psychologist. She asks me to draw a picture of a house, a tree and a person but I draw a priest instead.
Mother kisses me goodnight. I lay my head on the pillow and hope that tomorrow will be better.
I wonder when this will all be done but I know it will never be done; it will always be a part of me
"This is the day the Lord has made; let us rejoice and be glad in it." "They took branches of palm trees and went forth to meet him, and cried, Hosanna! Blessed is he who comes in the name of the Lord!"
December 17th 1984: A paroxysm of anger takes hold of me. Eyes bulge like squids. I black out for a moment and then feel knuckles connecting with bone. The boy crumples beneath me whimpering.
June 7th 1982: Mother hands me the candle and I carefully light it, placing it under the statue of the Virgin Mary. She drops a coin in the box and we say a Hail Mary together.
Lord, if you are willing, you can make me clean.
September 30th 1985: There’s a new kid in the class and he seems to want to be my friend. We’ve been spending time playing together and it feels nice to have a friend.
December 10th 1980: The school fancy dress party is a chance to be someone other than who I am.
Angryrelentlessvoices constantchatter asinineandfacile nopausenorespite wearingmedowntothepointofexhaustion
He tends his flock like a shepherd: He gathers the lambs in his arms and carries them close to his heart.
When lo! an Angel called him out of heaven,
Saying, Lay not thy hand upon the lad,
Neither do anything to him. Behold,
A ram caught in a thicket by its horns;
Offer the Ram of Pride instead of him.
The way of man is not in himself, nor it is in him to determine his steps
Sometimes there are three or four voices speaking at once, jumbled on top of each other like a broken jigsaw, their threads never interlocking, never making sense.
Sometimes I lie on my back in my field and count the infinity of stars.
The methodical drip of the water on the playground is like a metronome. I stand underneath and feel the soothing splash of the drips on my forehead
Peter said to them, “Repent, and each of you be baptized in the name of Jesus Christ for the forgiveness of your sins; and you will receive the gift of the Holy Spirit.
And I looked, and behold a pale horse: and his name that sat on him was Death, and Hell followed with him.
I lived in this caravan for two years. People called me a ‘pikey’ and the dark walls closed in around me. This is where the psychosis first really too hold of me.
January 26th 1983: It is the feeling of isolation that will last well beyond this experience. I cannot know this yet, but many years from now it will be the weight of that solitude pressing down like a stone on my chest that I will remember most vividly.